Many young girls dream about finding love and their "soulmate" before finding themselves, and then find themselves in dismal dream when reality is not what expected. Admittedly, I was one of them. In my past life.
In our culture, if you were not married by the age of 25, you were considered a "Sheng-Niu" 剰妞, meaning 'leftover women' in Chinese. So girls were brought up believing we need to marry a strong successful guy in order to lead a successful life, which eventually means having a family and owning a large house. That was the ultimate if not the only definition of success. Just like the princess in Disney movies, find the prince with the white horse and your life would be happy.
Of course in this modern age, one would think that would be silly kind of thinking (trust me, there are a lot of women who still thinks that way) American teenage girls grew out of that already. But not in the Asian society as a whole.
I too, dreamt of finding that guy who was destined to be my soulmate. and from there, life would be "happily ever after".
What was amazing about my story was that at one point in my life my dream had actually came true. I eventually met a young man who I thought was the love of my life, man of dreams, and everything I had imagined - perfect from what I knew. Everything I was looking for and more, it even happened in a very fairy tale-ish manner. Until his life was cut short after two and a half years into the relationship after diagnosed with rare form of cancer, but deemed terminal. What was most tragic was not because of the cancer, but the fact that I couldn't be there to go through that with him - I was [brutally] let go. In time I realized what we had was not love, but a front we put out, a checkbox we both wanted to check off to meet our family expectations.The soulmate who made life so beautiful had abandoned and annihilated you first before his own death and this made it more real than any fairy tale you'd ever hear about. After that catastrophic event in my life I spent a lot of time alone with with long periods of introspection. I explored different activities, interests and hobbies, and who I was, what I wanted, what I needed from a partnership. I rebuilt my life. I rebuilt myself. I found my passions. I was already 30, which was not considered young in our culture. I looked around my peers, most Asian women at that age already have one or two children! Meeting the expectations of the world did not grant a happy life. Who knew what presumed to be a beautiful fairy tale would unfold to be the most tragic story that no fairy tale would have written.
I don't know if I should still consider myself lucky, to have endured all this grief and years of pain, just to say I experienced this fairy tale. No fairy tale would have ended that way.
As time passed, I was able to create my very own silver lining. Perhaps the entire fairy tale was teaching me to be emotionally independent and self sufficient. To find myself before I find love. To break the paradigm that creates the illusion of happiness and success. To be strong. To be lovable before hoping to be swept away. My life transformed after I had discovered all these missing elements. Today I live happily with my new soulmate, who found me when I was at my best.
To all the lonely souls and broken hearts out there, I hope you find your soul before you look for your mate. When you are ready, they will find your beautiful soul. The universe will hear you! XoXo
